The church has a monthly magazine called 'The Messenger' and Sundry Smiles is a popular section so we thought we'd create a slot for it on the website too. Enjoy!
A little girl was anxiously watching the sunny sky for signs of rain. ‘Mum, didn’t the weatherman on TV last night say there would be rain?’ ‘Yes’ mum replied. ‘Well,’ the girl sighed with relief. ‘I’m glad God didn’t hear him.’
I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller
Growing old brings some disadvantages; you start having trouble with the coconut ones in Liquorice Allsorts; bending over becomes a major decision; and you can’t count the number of times a day you find yourself moving in one direction when you should be moving in the other. Dennis Norden
Be careful reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain
Student test papers (true with no corrections):
‘The cocroach crowed and he [Peter] then cried.’
‘The epistels were the wives of the apostles.’
‘The 1st commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.’
‘One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.’
Students who work hard to graduate, later wonder what the hurry was.
‘Recession times’ … How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts at the weekend.
The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car’s been repossessed.
London: the city bureauful.
Latest news: The Isle of Dogs’ bank has collapsed. They’ve called in the retrievers.
A man looked at his house, his car and his furniture and said it was wonderful that so many people made a living on what he had not paid for.
Young man just engaged: ‘How much is this diamond ring?’ Jeweller: ‘That is £1,000.’ Young man: (whistles) ‘Well, how about this one over here?’ Jeweller: ‘That one is two whistles.’
‘Just what good have you ever done for anyone?’ asked the judge of the serial offender. ‘Burglary, arson, theft, trespass... you’ve been nothing but a burden on society for years.’ ‘Not at all,’ replied the offender with some indignation. ‘For one thing, I’ve kept several policemen in full-time employment.’
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I was in the ‘6 items express lane’ at the supermarket quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman in front of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So which 6 items would you like to buy?’!
A lady was very nervous about her appointment with the dentist. Before leaving home she sought courage by reading the text for the day from her calendar. It was Psalm 81 verse 10. ‘Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.’
As my five-year-old son and me were heading to McDonald’s, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for whoever might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, ‘We should pray.’ From the back seat I heard his earnest voice: ‘Dear God, please don'’ let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's.’!
I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other three per cent?
The fridge light does go out. Now let me out of here!
My wife and I were watching the gorillas at the zoo when several of them charged at the enclosure fence, yelling loudly, rolling their eyes around, and clenching their fists. They looked quite terrifying. The crowd scattered except for one elderly man, who did not bat an eyelid. Later, my wife asked him how he had kept his composure. ‘Oh, easy,’ he said cheerfully. ‘You see, I used to drive a school bus.’
SMILES FOR CHRISTMAS
A little boy, excited about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, ‘I got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!’ ‘What part did you get?’ asked his mother. ‘I’m one of the three wise guys!’
I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Jesus. Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, ‘Mum, would a wise woman have brought nappies?’
At the end of the church service the child remarked that they ‘had sung the dogs holiday and come home’.
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile-toe.
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his dinner jacket, she objected. ‘Oh Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.’ Her father was bemused. ‘And why not?’ The little girl explained: ‘Because you know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’
The vicar had a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalise each service, he used the ‘Find & Replace’ command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the new name.One morning at a funeral, all was going smoothly until the congregation reached the Apostle’s Creed. ‘Jesus Christ,’ the congregation intoned, reading from the service sheet, ‘born of the Virgin Edna ...’
I knew I had been in the army too long when my five-year-old daughter sang her version of ‘Silent Night’. It went like this: ‘Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright, Round yon virgin mother and child, Holy infantry, tender and mild ...’
The monks at a remote monastery followed a rigid vow of silence. Their vow could only be broken once a year at Christmas - by one monk. That monk could speak only one sentence. Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, ‘I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!’ Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn and said, ‘I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy, and I truly despise them!’ Once again, silence ensued for 365 days. The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, ‘I am fed up with this constant bickering!’
Ham: We had cured ham for Boxing Day dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of. Swine ’flu?
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A vicar in a small country church was looking forward to an important visit from his bishop, which would involve the bishop staying overnight at the vicarage after the service. His young son became very excited, as he had never spoken to a bishop before. The vicar decided that his young son should be allowed to knock on the bishop's door in the morning, and bring him in his morning tea. His father gave him instructions: ‘First, knock on the door of the bishop's room and then say loud and clear: ‘It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up.' The young son was very excited and rehearsed his lines, repeating them over and over. Finally the bishop came and spent the night. Next morning came and the young lad went to the door and knocked. He cried loudly: ‘It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!'
One Sunday morning,with our son, David, then five, we attended church. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the chapel and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible. This morning, it was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector. My son immediately raised his hand: ‘It means Daddy's cooking dinner'.
Departing guest: ‘Well, good-night, I hope I haven't kept you up too late.'Polite host: ‘Not at all. I'd have been getting up soon, anyway.'
SENIOR MOMENT ... when you enter a revolving door, and then you can't remember whether you were going out or coming in.
A man from Leicester tells how he was asked to arrange transport of a coffin from Dublin to the west coast of Ireland. The only way to take it was by train, so he telephoned the Rail office to ask the fare. ‘Certainly, sir', the girl replied, ‘Is it single or return?'
Grandad noticed his five year old grand-daughter out in the garden brushing the family dog's teeth. When he asked what she was doing, she replied quickly: 'I'm brushing Sooty's teeth. But don't worry, grandpa - I'll put your toothbrush back, like I always do.'
Singer: 'Now that you've heard my voice, what would you suggest to accompany me?' Impresario: 'A body guard.'
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Policeman: 'How did you knock the old man down?' Motorist: 'I didn't. I just pulled up to let him go across and he fainted.'
Name three collective nouns. Dustpan, dustbin, and vacuum cleaner.
We've all benefitted from the NHS in many ways over our lives. Sometimes the information noted down by the medical profession may not always be quite what was intended! A few sentences allegedly written by NHS staff:-
1 The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2 Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3 Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 lb weight gain in the past three days.
4 Bitten by a dog or spider (true hospital admission record of Joyce - swollen face due to severe allergic reaction to poinsettia plant ‘brushing' her cheek Dec. 97). Beware of these red, attractive, 'dangerous' plants.
5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6 On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7 The patient is tearful & crying constantly. She also appears depressed.
8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9 Discharge status: alive, but without my permission.
10 Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11 She is numb from her toes down.
12 Patient was alert and unresponsive.
13 The skin was moist & dry.
14 Occasional constant infrequent headaches.